beyond the sea

Trust

You are not born a woman, you become one - or so says Simone de Beauvoir.

Well, we are always in the process of becoming who are meant to be. Anyway - I won’t go on a huge tangent about this, but suffice to say I am in feminist existential turmoil, I am faced with the realization that my entire gender is a performance and even worse that maybe I am okay with that. We can’t wear our true colours on our sleeves at all times, now can we? It’s my greatest quality and greatest fault that I too often do show them and proudly.

thought about this before uploading this absolutely stunning self-portrait by Romaine Brooks. What a powerful reminder of the fact that everything about our appearances is based on a societal standard we have chosen to abide to ( and even the idea of “choice” here is debatable). And yet, oh how vulnerable but strong all at once she appears to be.

I am developing an important part of my “womanhood”, learning how to be someone’s partner. We are getting closer to the big move come spring, and I am so excited yet terrified as well. I have always relished my independence. Not that I care about rubbing skins with strangers - no judgement to those who seek that, I have been there and the pleasures of such encounters can be most rewarding - so much as having my adored alone time. And then there is always the matter of him seeing other sides of me than the above-quoted “gendered performances” that is expected of me as a girlfriend. He does not see the “behind-the-scenes-making-of” the performance. The stained panties from periods and other female related issues. The fact that sometimes I let my dishes sit for days and a bit of crust builds, and then I have to let it soak for a little while before it stubbornly peels off.  Also I talk to my cat in a high-pitched voice for no apparent reason, and I tell her everything about my day. I write songs for hours and I may repeat the chorus over and over just because it sounds nice and yes it feels amazing to know that it came out of me.

G. says to trust him, that trust does not only have to do with believing he will remain faithful, because this I trust without a doubt. No. Trust that he will love me for everything that I am, because he does, and  that in fact he sees these little things I don’t think he sees about me - they make up what he loves about me.